Olympics Opening Ceremonies outfits and uniforms, reviewed

August 15, 2024

You can’t have an Olympics without an Opening Ceremonies, and you can’t have the Opening Ceremonies without a parade of athletes wearing outfits that exemplify a nation’s “competitive spirit” or “zest for victory” or “Olympic élan” or whatever other hokum the designer’s PR intern came up with.

And that’s where I — The Washington Post’s Least-Fashionable Employee — step in. Somehow, I have been anointed Official Olympic Outfit Critic even though my closet consists of exactly one suit that fits (barely!) and approximately 35 short-sleeve button-down shirts with a combined purchase price of $68. This apparently qualifies me to review Opening Ceremonies outfits, and I have done so — poorly — for the past two Winter Games.

So once again, against all odds and standards of taste, I will be your guide through the cavalcade of whimsy that is the Opening Ceremonies. Let’s take a look at what’s on tap for Paris at this year’s Summer Games.

United States

Ralph Lauren returns as Team USA’s outfitter for the ninth Olympics, and this year for the Opening Ceremonies the Americans will come dressed as the bullies from every single movie set at a prep school. If they don’t lead the medal table, they’ll certainly lead in being mean to the sensitive scholarship kid from the wrong side of the tracks.

They also can tell you about the limbo party on the Lido Deck:

For the Closing Ceremonies, Team USA will cosplay as a pit crew at the 1984 Firecracker 400.

Estonia

That’s … a worrying amount of denim, Estonia.

I feel like we’ve seen these getups before.

Britain

For the Opening Ceremonies, Ben Sherman will outfit Britain’s athletes in something Dad wore in high school:

For the Closing Ceremonies, Britain will wear clothing that Dad is wearing literally right now:

Haiti

True story: When I was starting out in the Sports department in the late 1990s (mon dieu!), then-columnist Tony Kornheiser came out of his office one day and asked me, as only Tony can, “Don’t you ever wear ties?” He then handed me a tie featuring a design inspired by the artwork of Grateful Dead fashion icon Jerry Garcia, which I’m sure he received as some sort of PR pitch. I’m almost certain I still have it, and I’m equally sure I’ve never worn it.

Anyway, Haiti’s Opening Ceremonies outfits incorporate the work of artist Philippe Dodard and are vastly more stylish than a Jerry Garcia tie.

France

Pat McAfee has apparently begun a European offensive in his War on Sleeves.

Poland

Croquet is not an Olympic sport (yet!), but when it is, Poland is ready.

Czech Republic and Israel

I’m grouping these nations together because they somehow both decided to incorporate Rorschach test-style blue inkblots into their outfits. This would seem to be the Olympic equivalent of running into someone wearing the same dress at the Met Gala. (I guess? I’m still not entirely sure what the Met Gala is supposed to be. Perhaps a salute to Wally Backman and Tim Teufel?)

Mongolia

While everyone else floats down the Seine in a mundane blur of tracksuits, athleisure and Estonian denim, athletes from the landlocked East Asian nation will arrive on the scene laying down some serious Mongolian thunder. Please take as many gold medals as you would like.

Australia

When the restaurant says “jacket required” but also “you can totally order mozzarella sticks if you want,” I give you Australia’s blazer-and-shorts combo, a look that is taken seriously at the Opening Ceremonies and in exactly zero other places.

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